Shifting from Blame to Empowerment

By Dr Jenny Draisey, Clinical Psychologist

For many families, emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA), or more commonly known as school refusal,  is an incredibly stressful experience. When a child or young person feels unable to attend school, it can trigger frustration, worry, and, all too often, a search for someone to blame — with the child often at the centre of that blame. But it’s time we rethink how we approach this complex issue. Rather than chastising or pressuring the child, the focus needs to shift towards understanding, compassion, and building confidence and motivation — essential foundations for helping a young person reintegrate into school life.

Understanding School Refusal

School refusal is rarely about defiance or laziness. It often stems from a range of underlying factors such as anxiety, low self-esteem, bullying, sensory sensitivities, unmet learning needs, or social difficulties. For some young people, school can feel overwhelming, unsafe, or like a place where they don’t “fit in.”

Recognising that school refusal is often a symptom, and not the root problem, helps parents, caregivers, and educators to respond with empathy rather than judgment.

Why Blame and Punishments Don’t Work

Blaming or punishing a child for their school refusal can have unintended consequences:

• It can increase feelings of anxiety, shame, and low self-worth.
• It may damage trust and communication between the child and the surrounding adults.
• It overlooks the root causes of the child’s difficulties.
• It can build negative feelings towards school, making reintegration harder.

Instead, adopting a supportive, strengths-based approach can help a young person feel safe, valued, and capable of change.

Building Confidence and Empowerment: Practical Strategies

1. Listen First

The first step is creating a space where your child feels heard. Ask open, non-judgmental questions like:

• “Can you help me understand what makes school feel hard right now?”
• “What would make school feel easier or safer for you?”

Sometimes, the reasons for school refusal aren’t immediately clear, and that’s okay. Keep the lines of communication open.

2. Work Together with the School — Not Against It

Schools can and should be part of the solution. Arrange a meeting with teachers, pastoral staff, or the school’s mental health lead to discuss:

• Possible triggers for the school refusal.
• What accommodations or adjustments might help.
• A gradual, flexible, reintegration plan tailored to your child’s needs.

Advocate for your child while maintaining a collaborative tone. Remember, most educators want to help — but they may not always know how unless you work together. Sometimes, gaining the support of an external professional at meetings who can also advocate for your child, but from a professional stance, can be invaluable.

3. Focus on Self-Esteem and Self-Identity

Many children who refuse to go to school can struggle with self-doubt or feel “different” in a way that isolates them. You can help at home by:

• Celebrating their strengths and interests — both academic and non-academic.
• Encouraging hobbies, sports, arts, or social groups that build confidence.
• Reminding them that their worth isn’t defined by school attendance alone.

Positive identity and self-esteem are powerful motivators. When a young person feels good about who they are, they are more likely to believe they can face challenges — including school. So when they are at home on a school day, focus on activities that build their confidence and self-worth, rather than using punishment as a motivator to go back to school. We know from years of experience and from looking at the science that punishment in these circumstances makes things worse and school refusal more entrenched, despite people’s best intentions. Remember, school refusal isn’t your child being naughty, but your child communicating a difficulty that they need help with (even if they don’t know that yet!)

4. Take Small, Manageable Steps

For some young people, the idea of going back to school full-time is overwhelming. It can help if the steps to returning back to school can be broken down into manageable chunks:

• Could they start by visiting the school after hours?
• Could they attend for part of the day or specific lessons they enjoy?
• Could they work from home while maintaining some school connection?

Celebrate every small success — progress is rarely linear, but every step forward builds resilience and hope for all involved.

5. Access External Support

Sometimes, additional support can make all the difference. Consider:

• Counselling or therapy to address anxiety or emotional challenges.
• Mentoring schemes or peer support groups.
• Educational psychologists or specialist support through the school or local authority.

No family should have to navigate school refusal alone.

Final Thoughts: Leading with Compassion

School refusal is a challenge — but it’s not a character flaw or a failure on the part of the child or their family. With empathy, teamwork, and a focus on building confidence, we can help young people rediscover a sense of belonging, purpose, and possibility within education.

Every child deserves to feel seen, valued, and capable. By shifting from blame to empowerment, we create the conditions for real, lasting change. You’ve got this!

If you need any support navigating the difficulties of school refusal, please don’t hesitate to reach out and book a ‘parent support session’ by emailing me at jen@drjen-psychology.co.uk – you do not have to be alone with this!